Dejavu

Yesterday, one of my subordinates, SS called to ask for emergency leave. She mentioned that she has to see a doctor immediately to ascertain whether an 'ulcer' in her mouth could be cancerous. She did sound pretty scared but I assure her that this could be just a standard medical routine. Ironically, whilst giving her the re-assurance, my heart almost drop when I hear the news. The thoughts of her having cancer and eventually losing her came racing through my mind. She is still young, with brilliant mind and has great potential. In fact, I am grooming her to be my successor.

The news does affect my whole day yesterday. I can't believe this is happening again. I began to remember the incidents that happen 5 years ago when a close friend of mine, TT broke the news of having cancer after having similar symptoms. At that point, I was taken aback, but I was still full of positivity then that I naively believe that he can overcome this and recover from it. The truth was, he died last year after battling the cancer for the last 3 years.

My friendship with TT did not start amicably. He was my superior and I hate his guts. I found that he is very bossy, argumentative and such a control freak. He liked to give sarcastic remarks and always dumped a lot of work on me. We were even labelled by our colleagues and our bosses as anjing dan kucing, simply because whenever we are together, we always end-up arguing. Despite all this, we are still able to maintain a cordial and professional working relationship. Deep down, I always admire him for his intelligence. There were times when it is just impossible to outsmart him.

I began to see the other side of TT after one incident when I was facing huge personal problem. When I confide to him (which he prompted after series of mediocre work from me), he had shown tremendous support. He was quick to offer me words of encouragement for me to bravely faced the challenges. Then I realise that TT has such a huge heart. In addition, I also began to note that despite all the harsh comments that he threw at me, he was always fair in his performance appraisal of me. In fact, a little bird told me that during a closed-door discussion, he was fighting hard for my promotion. I owe my professional development a lot to him.

We lose contact when he left the company to work overseas. Every now and then, I thought of contacting him but couldn't bring myself to the phone due to work demands. One night, one of my friend text me about TT's obituary in one of the local newspaper. I was really devastated. He was just 36. I attended his funeral to give him the last respect. During the last 8 month before his demise, he was hospitalised in a hospital just behind my house. I could have visited him and lend the support, had I picked up the phone and called him earlier. I felt very guilty. I feel I have failed as a good friend. How I wish I could reciprocate his kind gestures.

I do have similar relationship with SS, except this time I was the boss. I have to admit that I was very hard on her. Despite my high demand and tight deadlines, she managed to deliver. Perhaps this little incident should remind me that perhaps, it's about time for me to go easy on her. She told me that she would know the results by next week. Whilst I gave her some re-assuring words, I feel that I need some reassurance myself. The thoughts of TT keeps playing in my head repeatedly. I don't think I want to go through this all over again.